I haven’t written in a while. I have been a little overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed, I tend to run from my problems. In running from my problems, I tell God I have an issue, then I go watch a movie. I have refused to address any issues. Simply put, I do not see a solution. Seeking a solution takes energy that I do not possess. These are the times that I fall on flesh. Potato chips and Netflix can distract me from all of my problems… NOT!
If I can acknowledge one of my insecurities, it is the inability to verbally communicate. Oftentimes, I preplan a conversation that may or may not take place. I know that if I have not rehearsed the conversation, there is a good chance I will not make sense in attempting to communicate it. This is because my mind stays very clouded. When trying to answer any direct question, it is as if I am trying to pull specific words out of the word cloud. Many times, I pull out the wrong words and I make no sense. The more that I have on my mind, the less sense I make. It is difficult for me to walk into any room and have a conversation. At this point, I seclude. I shut myself off.
To update you, Netflix nor the potato chips has saved me from my problems. Finally, today, I sat down to read my Bible. Yea, yea, yea, I know, I should have done that first. I was afraid.
In the past, I have opened my Bible and I have heard nothing. I have read words. I ended up asking myself, “Where is the double edged sword?” I would sit and read words pointlessly and need God to slice through the fog. Better yet, clear it up. I would walk away adding guilt to my cloud. I would ask, “Why can’t I just make it go away?”
Tonight, I do not come with solutions. Tonight, I come with reality. Sometimes, we choose escape over giving it to God. We know what we SHOULD do, so we end up feeling guilty. If you are anything like me, you then struggle to face God in prayer again because you have avoided worship and Bible reading for a few days.
God has to remind me. He WILL NOT leave me. He WILL NOT forsake me. If I choose to stay silent for a few days, he will always welcome me back into His presence.
If you are like me, it is okay to forgive yourself for not meeting with God. He instructed me to be vulnerable tonight, so this must be for you. It is okay. Go back to Him. He misses his time with His child. He loves you. Call him up.