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  • Writer's pictureJackie Bankston

Psalm 139:14

Dear Diary,

Today someone said something to me. It made me evaluate that hidden part inside of me. It made me look into that place that I pretend is no longer there. She reminded me of a conversation we held earlier in the week. She was politely inviting me to lunch to spend time together over the summer. We can’t remember my response exactly, but knowing me, I am confident that I brushed it off as a conversational suggestion. When she represented it to me, she expressed that it made her feel as if I did not want to have lunch with her.

I replayed that over and over in my head. I know why I do it. I don’t take people at their word anymore. I don’t trust them. Many times, I think people are just saying things to be kind, not because they genuinely mean them. This is not at all a reflection on that person, but rather how I feel about the way that people connect with me.

I don’t know how to connect. I don’t know how to trust. I don’t know what is genuine and I don’t know what is fake. For my protection, I take everything as a grain of salt. I allowed myself to trust for a little bit and it backfired. What is genuine friendship?

This same person called me “wonderful”. “Keep being you, exactly who you are.” I hate Me. How could you genuinely want to spend time with me? How could you genuinely think I am wonderful? Those words you spit out can’t be real. You’re just being nice. You can’t want to spend time with me. If we spend time together, you’ll see you made a mistake. Like me from a distance, I can fool you better that way. I know, I hate Me.

How can I be a Christian and feel this way? Well, because healing takes time.

This is no reflection of my husband. He is amazing. It goes further back than that. I’ve truly come a long way. Today God needed to show me that I still have that hate inside of me. If he is bringing to the surface, it is time for it to be sifted out. Thank you, Holy Spirit for healing.

P.s. If my best friends are reading this, I love you. Thank you for loving me through my doubts. Also, I am not depressed. I just have deep seeded mental abuse that I have not quite been healed from yet.

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