After receiving prayer, the Pastor used a word that finally made sense to me tonight. She used the word “whirlwind”. When I try to describe all of the negative voices whispering to me, all I can say is “alllll of the voices”. There are so many whispers that I cannot even make out what they are saying, just that I am not enough in anything or any area of my life. Whirlwind describes this experience so well.
I combat these voices with prayer and command them to flee, but I am tired of combat. I gave them to the Lord, but they found their way back to me. I focus on the good and peaceful things, but the voices of inadequacy overrun these things.
The voices fog my brain so much that I cannot comprehend a single direction. Then I am reminded how ignorant I am because I had to ask twice. A mispronounced word triggers the voices. They are triggered by any tiny mistake, whether simple or innocent. They are certainly triggered after any argument with my child. They are triggered by the anticipation of a mistake.
Church is the hardest place for me. Not because of the people in the church, but because of those same voices I am at combat with every second of the day. The voices tell me I am not worthy to stand and pray. They tell me I should not have even walked into the church building. Sometimes, I allow other excuses to take the place of going. I find the voices are much quieter when I talk to God in my prayer closet. The days I go are a win, but they don’t make me any more Christian than if I decided to combat at home with worship, a sermon, and my Bible.
Of course, after I’ve missed, the voices tell me I shouldn’t bother going. “What will people think? People will agree that you aren’t worthy because you missed church. They are always reminding you to be there, you failed again. Don’t bother talking to them, they’re just thinking about how you’ve missed services. Oh, they don’t want prayer from you, you aren’t churchy enough for them.” These voices are so generous in telling me how others are thinking. They keep me from trusting anyone.
I am called to help others who face and will face this same battle. I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I feel alone, but I know that I am not. The voices won’t win. Though I am tired of combat, I will not give in. If I miss a few church services, I am not backslidden, I either have homework incomplete or I do not have the strength to combat the church voices that day. My absence in the church building does not mean that I am any less of a Christian. It does not mean I love God less or am not called. It means that the Lord and I are having many one-on-one conversations. It means I am resulting in loud screaming worship in my prayer closet. He and I are combating together with praise. I know I am supposed to gain strength from the church family, but then there is that whole trust bit. I am a work in progress. That is all I have.
Our church will be having revival beginning the 14th of September. We will be fasting for 10 days for this revival. During the 10 days I will be reading 27 pages a day of Joyce Meyer’s 12 Strategies to Win the Battle of the Mind. I believe there is a breakthrough coming!
Tonight, I was unable to give a testimony, but this is it. I am called. The Lord will win this war.